God’s Forgiveness After Abortion: How I Found Redemption After 20 Years of Silent Shame

After nearly 20 years of shame and perfectionism following an abortion at 17, I finally embraced God’s forgiveness after abortion, and it changed everything. This is my story.

There’s a kind of pain that hides itself well.

You smile. You serve. You lead. You pray.

And deep down, you carry something you don’t talk about.

You carry a decision made in a moment of fear—a decision that changes everything.

For me, that moment came when I was just 17. And for nearly twenty years, I carried the silent shame of having had an abortion. As a Christian woman, as a mother, as someone known for “getting it right,” I never imagined how deeply that one choice would shape the way I saw myself, even into my marriage, motherhood, and now, facing a divorce.

But what I’ve come to learn—through tears, prayer, and surrender—is this:

God’s forgiveness after abortion is real, and it’s enough.

My Story: Where the Shame Began

Recently, I realized just how much shame I was carrying around single motherhood and divorce. It was affecting how I set boundaries, how I let go, and how I showed up in relationships. I put my thoughts into ChatGPT, asking for help reframing them. And while that helped, what surprised me most was the lightbulb moment I had about where those feelings even came from.

Nearly 20 years ago, I was a baby myself, just 17, when I found myself pregnant. My mom, a teenage mom herself, had worked so hard to give me a different future. And there I was, staring at a positive pregnancy test, terrified. I had already been accepted into college with an academic scholarship. I couldn’t let everyone down. So I made the grown-up decision to get an abortion.

Because I was underage, I had to jump through hoops. I found a pro bono attorney who helped me get permission from a judge, who deemed me “mature enough” to make such a life-changing decision. But the moment it was over, I regretted it. Deeply. It went against everything I was taught and believed. It didn’t fix anything—it just made me feel worse.

So I buried the shame under a thick, polished mask of perfectionism.

Unbeknownst to me, I made a vow:

Always be the girl who shows up. Never make a bad decision again.

I graduated No. 5 in my high school class. I became the first and only person in my family to graduate from college. Led the on-campus PR firm. Landed multiple internships. Graduated Summa Cum Laude. Got into a competitive college bridge program at JPMorgan Chase.

Then, I met my now-husband.

There were signs early on that I should’ve walked away. But I saw his potential. I fell deeper. We moved in together quickly and got pregnant shortly after. We bought a house. Then came the proposal, and then the wedding. I didn’t know God like I do now. I didn’t realize the foundation we were building on was faulty—I just knew I was in love and wanted the life I had always dreamed of.

I landed a job I still have today and climbed the ladder fast. I was able to show up and perform in every role—except my relationship. I didn’t know how. Because the last relationship caused a pain I’d never recovered from. So I built walls. Vowed to never reveal my full self again.

But now, after heartbreak, I’m sitting in a different kind of pain.

One that doesn’t come from hiding, but from finally seeing.

And here’s what I see clearly now:

My identity wasn’t shaped by God.

It was shaped by my decision-making.

So, of course, shame followed me.

Because I was never letting Jesus carry what only He was meant to bear.

Perfectionism Was My Protection

For years, I thought if I just performed well enough, if I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect professional, I could earn my way back to being “worthy.”

But perfectionism was never my calling—it was just my cover.

What I really needed was healing.

Not from my abortion alone, but from the belief that I had to earn God’s love back.

God’s forgiveness after abortion isn’t earned. It’s given. It’s finished. It’s yours.

Healing Begins with Honesty

What I’ve come to understand is that healing starts when we tell the truth to ourselves and God. Not just the surface story, but the story underneath the shame.

I’ve had to go back and sit with my 17-year-old self.

I had to look her in the eyes and say, You did the best you could. You were scared. And you are still loved.

A Letter to My 17-Year-Old Self

You were just a girl. Scared. Alone. Doing the best you could.

You didn’t know what you were choosing. You didn’t know what it would cost.

And for all these years, I’ve tried to cover your pain with perfection.

But I see you now. And I want you to know:

You are not ruined. You are not disqualified.

You are not beyond grace.

You are still His.

You are forgiven.

It’s time to lay down the shame.

Twenty years is long enough.

Come home.

God’s Forgiveness After Abortion Is For You, Too

Sis, if you’ve decided in your past that you still carry like a hidden scar, please hear me:

You don’t have to keep carrying it.

You don’t have to live in silence.

You don’t have to perform for peace.

God’s forgiveness after abortion is yours today. Not after you “fix” everything. Not after you prove your worth. Right now. As you are.

Your story isn’t too messy for Him.

Your pain isn’t too deep.

Your past isn’t too dark.

And your purpose? It’s still alive.

A Prayer for the Woman Still Carrying the Shame

Heavenly Father,

I bring You the part of me I’ve hidden for so long—the part that still aches, still wonders, still fears I’m not fully forgiven. I release the shame I’ve carried, and I lay down the perfection I’ve used to hide it. Thank You for meeting me in my brokenness. Thank You for Your forgiveness after abortion. I receive Your mercy—not just in my mind, but in my soul. Heal what shame has fractured. Redeem what fear has silenced. And lead me into the freedom of knowing I am deeply, unconditionally loved.

In Jesus’ mighty name, Amen.

Let’s Heal Together

If this post spoke to your heart, please know—you’re not alone. I’d love to hear your story or pray for you. You can comment below or message me privately. We weren’t meant to heal in isolation. There’s grace for you, and there’s a God who loves you more than you can imagine.

Because healing is holy.

And 20 years is long enough.